Sexless and the Holy City: Procrastinate your way to success!

This past Chanukkah, I was sitting around making homemade menorahs with some of my friends and we were talking about emotions. Not in the way you would perhaps imagine: a scene of the Golden Girls at their kitchen table, around a cheesecake. Sharing memories, laughs and tears. No, we were talking about how hard it can be to allow ourselves to be comfortable with our emotions. I thought if so many of my girl friends have this roadblock, what's going on with the guys?

A quick survey of a handful of my guy friends confirmed what I was thinking: they have no problem feeling their emotions. If anything, many of them had a hard time getting out of them, they were so comfortable in their feeling. Meanwhile, I work at keeping myself either happy or mildly annoyed. Sometimes when I drive or cycle, a third emotion, road rage, will emerge. But I'm alway working to get back to happy. I'm just uncomfortable feeling anything else.

Then, I came across an article on procrastination. I have always been motivated by deadlines, aspiring to be one of those people who lives by, "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." But, other than occasional bursts of productivity here and there, I tend to be motivated by: this has to be done now.

Or at least I used to be.

The author describes the main force behind why we procrastinate: because we are uncomfortable. The project we need to do is hard or we're scared we can't do it well, so we avoid thinking about it, seeing what's new on facebook or talking on the phone, until we're so stressed by the deadline that we don't have time to doubt ourselves. Panic overcomes all other emotions.  I realized my discomfort with being uncomfortable wasn't only a dating liability, but a professional one too. I stopped what I was doing, walked over to the mirror and looked myself in the face: I hadn't left everything that was familiar and comfortable to made aliyah because I was scared of discomfort! What was I doing to myself? I was so caught up in my realization that I didn't notice my roommate standing next to me and asking me why I was talking to myself - now that was uncomfortable. I just smiled and went back to work.

And that's the strategy I've maintained over the past few weeks. When unproductive behavior starts knocking at the door I recognize what is happening, look for the emotion that I'm trying to avoid. Spend some time with it until everyone is comfortable, smile to myself, and resume work. I won't say that it's been easy, or that I haven't fallen off the wagon a few times since then. But the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I've gotten to know myself better, had more deep, meaningful conversations with friends, and my to-do list is shorter than ever. When it comes to life, whether it's with relationships or our professional life, the only thing to really be afraid of is the idea that we never really tried. That's an idea worth being uncomfortable with.

The Best Things Happen When You Don't Get What You Want

I'm a big Rolling Stones fan. One of my favorite songs by them is You Can't Always Get What You Want. Despite the actual morbid words of the song the refrain is so true - sometimes you might find, you get what you need. This might seem like hopeful fluff, but I see it time and again in life. The following is the most recent example.

One of my good friends got married yesterday in the US. She really wanted to get married in Israel, where here and her chatan live, but for various reasons, it had to happen in the US. As anyone who has been on the internet probably knows, Jerusalem has suffered through an unprecedented snow storm. Who knows what would have been if she had actually gotten married today in Jerusalem as she had so hoped for.

So the next time something you really want doesn't pan out, rather than being disappointed or frustrated, I think the best thing to do is just sit back and smile, because something even better is coming your way!

Miracles: Seen and unseen.

Tonight is the last night of Hanukkah. In Judaism, the closer you get to the end of the holiday, the more special the time is, so there is a lot of powerful energy available for us tonight. Here is something short to think about as you light your candles.

In my opinion, the big miracle of Hanukkah is the fact that there was that one jug of oil waiting for the Maccabees after they beat the powerful Greek army. You know the Greeks tried their best to treif up all of the oil, so that the Jews would be left with nothing.  Unlike the Roman destruction of the Beit Hamikdash, the Greeks weren't interested in destroying the building, but the soul of the Jewish people. Symbolically to them, this meant extinguishing the light of the ever-burning Menorah.

But guess whose plans were thwarted.

As we know, there was one jug of oil that remain untouched, and fit for use to rekindle the light.
G-d hid that jar one from them, and set it aside for us. Who knows what else G-d has hidden away, set aside for us when we need it the most.

We are at the beginning of winter - months of cold darkness. We need to take this thought with us, to light the way. G-d is always working miracles for us. We might not see them - but when we least expect it, and need it the most, it will be there before our eyes.

Sexless and the Holy City: Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I was up late rehashing a relationship (with a guy we'll call Mr. Silicon Valley) that just ended with my platonic life partner over What's App (welcome to the future), when he finally just cut me off, "He's not that into you!! Delete his number, delete his texts, delete his emails and MOVE ON!" I knew he was right. And if the guy really wanted to, he still knew how to get in touch with me. As someone who enjoys uncluttering her life, this felt good. I was able to fall asleep pretty easily after that.

When I woke up the next morning, it was a different story. I still had something gnawing at me. I'm not the type to pine over a guy who isn't into me, B"H. Usually I can confidently chalk it up as: their loss, moving on. But there was something different about this situation. I tried to think - what was the thing that was bothering me the most about the way everything had unfolded? It struck me - I had gone out with a  different guy a few days ago who was really great, but very shy. I was the one carrying the conversation. During the date, I laughed to myself at how the tables had turned. Mr. Silicon Valley was always giving me a hard time about being too shy and withdrawn. I felt like G-d put me davka in that situation to recognize how silly my behavior with Mr. Silicon Valley had been, and to learn not to act like that again.

If Mr. Silicon Valley had been the first one to comment on this behavior, I could chalk it up as lesson learned and move on. But I realized, he was the third guy I had gone out with since January that I really liked, and he was also the third guy to tell me that he felt like I was being too shy and difficult to read, and therefore not want to continue things. That was the source of the discomfort I was feeling.

It's one thing to make a mistake once. It's another thing to make a mistake twice. But my heart sunk when I realized I did the same thing three times, over the period of almost a year. That's plenty of time to conduct a lessons learned and implement changes (as a former project manager, I always think in these kind of terms). I kept trying to remind myself that I did show that I had changed my behavior with this last date, but it wasn't enough to deflate the disappointment I felt growing in my chest, along with a determination to not keep making the same mistakes. I recognized a familiar cycle brewing:

1. Fail at something spectacularly
2. Resolve to change and never do that thing again!
3. Put too much pressure on myself, and inevitably fail

Wash, rinse, repeat!

This behavior isn't unique to me, by any means. The fact is, I can't think of one person I've met here in Israel who isn't a little hard on themselves. In order to make it here you have to be driven. The harder you are on yourself, the easier it becomes to fail, because when you put anything under too much pressure, it's bound to explode.

Fortunately for me, I'm incorrigible (and I bet you are too). You don't get to fail so many times unless you have the ability to constantly pick yourself up and believe in your ability to do better next time. Even if you don't enjoy the constant picking yourself up and dusting off before trying again, know that each time you get up, and can recognize what it was that you did before that was problematic, the more likely you are to not make that mistake next time. Who learns how to ride a bike the first time out? Who graduates college without failing a few tests? Who finds happiness in love without having their heart broken first? Not too many people. So, don't be so hard on yourself (I'm definitely speaking to myself here). If we focus on being grateful for every subsequent opportunity we have to correct these mistakes, to conduct ourselves in the way we really hope to, then the easier it is to align our behavior with our desired outcome.

Not that it will be easy, no matter what it is we are trying to correct. Growth usually only comes through hard work. Ultimately, slowly but surely we'll build the muscles we need to change our behavior. All we need in the meantime is to believe in our ability to do better and wait for the next opportunity to try. 

Chanukkah: Stop holding yourself back

Hanukkah is the season of outward miracles. Those miracles (the oil lasting 7 days longer than it was supposed to and us winning the military fight against the Greeks) happened because we did something. This is known in Yeshivish as hishtadlut, meaning G-d helped us out because we put in some effort.

Life doesn't happen waiting for things to happen. That's how life passes you by. Existence is constantly being recreated. That means every moment is a new opportunity to do the things you've wanted to do, but for whatever reason were holding yourself back. We are ultimately the only ones who are responsible for succeeding or failing in life.

Every holiday on the Jewish calendar happens when it does because the space/time situation then has certain power, greater potential than normal. The Maccabees couldn't wait to return to serving G-d in the Beit Hamikdash. They had to start as soon as they won, and ran to the Temple. Technically, they shouldn't have lit the Menorah - it's not supposed to be lit if there isn't a continuous source of fuel, and it takes 8 days to produce the oil that can be used in the Temple. However, their desire was so pure and holy, that G-d made the oil of the Menorah last for 8 days. They took one step, and G-d did the rest.

We can all take advantage of this power, this is a gift being presented to us every year at this time. Over the next 8 days, every time you want to fall into whatever bad habit you are trying to break, if you can take the smallest step to move away from that habit, you will be amazed to see what you are actually capable of accomplishing.

I know you can do it, G-d knows you can do it. All that's missing is for you to know - and to do.

Chanukah: You don't actually have to gain weight

Did you know you could shred any starchy vegetable to make latkes? It's a good thing my granma is nifter (actually I feel horrible writing that, but you know what I mean), because she would not know what to do with the colorful latkes that come out of kitchens nowadays. When I was growing up, if the latkes were any color other than brown, you obviously did something wrong. I'm not a fan of using potata or sweet potatoes, as they are known here for latkes. They end up too mushy. But zucchini and carrorts are great add-ins. The color of the zucchini always makes me feel like I'm eating something healthy, and not just fried in enough oil to light my menorah for the next 8 days.

3 cups shredded kishu'im (zucchini)
3 eggs
1 package of that stuff that's not quite sour cream but not cream cheese
2 heaping cups of flour of your choice
a few shakes of baking poweder
a few more shakes of baking soda
about 1/8 c. xanthan gum (for fluffiness)
1/3 c. olive oil (canola also works)
big handful of walnuts (optional)

Ok, I am going to be honest. This isn't going to taste like 'cake' - as you may have notices, there is abosolutely no sugar up in here. None. But you know what - it's only 150 calories per serving, 9 grams of fat, plus lots of protein, fiber, and vitamins (especially if you use a mixture of white flour and spelt like I did).

Giant baked latke (aka Chanukkah Quiche)
3 eggs
1 cup flour
2 large shredded carrots
1 large onion
2-3 kishu'im (zucchini)
seasoning

shred the veggies in a bowl together. Mix together eggs and seasoning and add to the mix. Then fold in flour. Use non-stick spray to coat the pan. Bake at 225C for an hour. I would have sauteed the onions a little first next time I make this to bring out the flavor a little more. Live and learn

Sexless and the Holy City

It was Thursday evening, the end the work week here in Israel. Most of the people in my office had already left for the day, and the lights were turned off in the stairwell. As I was slowly inching my way down trying to get my bearing at every landing, I was struck by how this was so symbolic of my life right now - I can't see what's coming and I'm cautiously moving forward in order to not get hurt.

I finally reached the street, and began my walk home. All the things that had been bothering me, but I was able to ignore while busy working, started to fill my head. These things aren't unique for an olah chadasha - trying to figure out how I'm going to make ends meet while building connections at an unpaid internship. A guy I had been seeing, and growing to like, just informed me he was leaving the country for a while for work, and thought we should put things on hold. And to top it all off, my computer, which is the source of my income, just wouldn't stay on.

Rather than dwell on my problems, I decided to use the time spent walking to calm my thoughts. Any time anxious ideas crept into my head: How are you going to afford this new computer? Will your Hebrew ever be good enough to continue in your career in Israel? Am I ever going to meet the right guy? I would brush them aside, and instead focus on the sound of the cars rushing home. After a while, the intrusive thoughts seemed to have given up, and I was able to appreciate how musical the traffic could be. The chimes of the light rail, the cacophonous car horns, the accelerating and breaking of the cars; it was actually quite relaxing.

I found myself in the middle of the suspension bridge in Jerusalem, looking out over the cars coming into and going out of the city. Not having to hurry home, I decided to stand there and just watch the river of vehicles flow by. After a few more minutes of just being and not thinking, an idea popped into my head. One of my dear friends here had been struggling recently with making G-d's will her will. She was also worrying about how she was going to support herself after making aliyah, and being in her 40s, if she was ever going to have kids of her own. She had been going through her own rough couple of weeks, but one day I noticed a change in her attitude. I had to ask, what happened? "I threw up my hands and said 'Hashem, Your will is my will.' I figured that if I gave up holding on to what I want my life to be, and just accept it for what it is, I'll be a lot happier. And I am!"

I whispered into the night, "Hashem, I don't know why you decided to send this guy away when I felt like things were getting promising, or why it was necessary for my computer to break. All I know is that I trust you, and there is no point trying to fight what happens in life." I stuttered as I tried to say the next words, and as I let go of the last remnants of my stubbornness, I shed a few tears, "I want my will to be Your will. I do. Instead of fighting against the tide, I'm going to just go with the flow." I stood there for a few more minutes until I had regained my composure, and resumed my walk home.

As I was coming down the other side of the bridge, I noticed an outline of an older woman ahead of me, unsteadily trying to make her way to the next light-rail stop. I asked her in the best Hebrew I could muster if she wanted help. The look of joy on her face completely melted any other feelings I had been dwelling on. As we slowly made our way, she talked to me excitedly in Hebrew and French. It was hard for me to understand it all, but we managed to exchange some small talk, and even some bits of Torah. We eventually made it to the station, and I told her that I would wait with her until the train comes. She gave me many blessings for good things in life, and pinched my cheeks as she said the man who gets to marry me is very fortunate. Then the train doors closed and she was gone.

 It took me a moment to appreciate what had just happened. I found my demeanour had changed - gone were the feelings of despair, which had been replaced with warmth and even a self-impressed smile that I was able to follow her heavily accented Hebrew. Once again, I was on my way home. I didn't feel so helpless and adrift anymore: whether it's with dating, work, or even my computer staying on, I can relax, because Hashem is in control. And when you just relax and go with the flow, you never know what might float by.